Unsolicited Advice for Friends & Family of New Parents
Continuing on the theme of my last post, I'd like to offer advice to the friends and family of someone with a new baby, or who is expecting.
The first day with a new baby is one of the most exhausting and difficult days I've ever lived through. The new parents are exhausted from getting almost no sleep for at least the last day. Mom is usually in quite a bit of discomfort. Most likely, she'll have had an epidural. In that case, she will have been catheterized. Moms who have had C-sections are starting to recover from a major surgery.
With this in mind, I have some advice friends and family of new parents.
First, though, let me preface this by saying that I was motivated to put this list together because I've made all the mistakes described below when visiting other new parents. Some people may be hurt or offended by reading this, but that's not my intention at all. I wish that someone had sent me a list like this before I visited my family and friends when they had their babies, so that I could've avoided imposing on them.
1) Don't show up unannounced. I know you want to see the baby and to offer your love and congratulations to the new parents. That's great and it means a lot. But there are a LOT of things that new parents have to do in the first 24 hours after having a baby, not the least important of which is to find time to sleep. Mom is in pain, and both parents are feeling exhausted and, frankly, disgusting & dirty. No one wants to be hugged and kissed when you haven't showered in days, feel like you just ran a marathon, and have baby goops leaking out of you. (sorry, that's what's happening under the sheets. Deal with it!)
Plus, a newborn needs to eat once every two hours or so. It takes a while to get the hang of nursing, and initial feedings may take a really long time and be very painful.
Showing up unannounced means that you're either likely to show up when the baby is napping or eating. If napping, mom and dad are most likely trying to sleep too. If eating, mom probably doesn't feel like hosting visitors.
The other problem with showing up unannounced is that you may arrive while other visitors are also in the room, which leads me to...
2) Don't crowd the room. Having a baby is a really overwhelming experience, and having a bunch of people in the room trying to talk to you and look at the baby only adds to the feeling. Somewhat similarly, do not call frequently, or send too many emails or text messages. Most likely, everyone the new mom and dad knows is calling, emailing, and sending text messages. Your messages are all received, but mom and dad simply don't have time to respond to everyone.
3) Don't stay long. Again, mom and dad and baby are now on an exhausting 2-hour schedule. Stopping by means a lot, but patience wears thin quickly when you are in pain and haven't slept in 24 hours.
4) Feel free to bring gifts, but be reasonable. Hospital rooms aren't very big. There's not a lot of room for large flower bouquets and balloons. Hospital rooms are not apartments either -- there isn't a refrigerator or microwave so food is likely to go to waste if it can't be stored at room temperature. Don't bring anything you're not absolutely positive that both parents will enjoy eating.
The best food we were brought was an assortment of fresh fruits. They were healthy, refreshing, and nourishing, and we could snack on them throughout the days we were in the recovery room. The worst food was a big cake. We hadn't had any real meals for a long time, and the last thing we could think about eating was something sweet and covered in icing. Plus, we couldn't store it anywhere since there wasn't any room for it. We had a small bite and the rest went to waste.
Don't feel like you have to bring a gift to the hospital, either. There's nothing wrong with waiting until after the new parents are settled in back at home to bring gifts. Which leads me to...
5) Once mom and dad are at home, offer to do things for them but not to watch the baby. New parents don't really want a break from being with their baby. Even when things are agonizingly difficult after a few weeks, new parents aren't generally willing to trust someone else with watching their newborn. The most useful things you can offer to do for new parents include cleaning their home, doing their laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming, and running to the store. Ask if they have any particular food cravings and bring them those foods.
I guess the best way to summarize everything into a single statement is:
It is about the new mom and dad. Everyone wants to be there on Day 1 to show their love and support for the new parents. But the best way to show your love for them is to understand what their needs are. Leave your ego at the door. It doesn't make you the most important friend or family member if you get to the hospital first, or take the most pictures, or stay the longest.
The first day with a new baby is one of the most exhausting and difficult days I've ever lived through. The new parents are exhausted from getting almost no sleep for at least the last day. Mom is usually in quite a bit of discomfort. Most likely, she'll have had an epidural. In that case, she will have been catheterized. Moms who have had C-sections are starting to recover from a major surgery.
With this in mind, I have some advice friends and family of new parents.
First, though, let me preface this by saying that I was motivated to put this list together because I've made all the mistakes described below when visiting other new parents. Some people may be hurt or offended by reading this, but that's not my intention at all. I wish that someone had sent me a list like this before I visited my family and friends when they had their babies, so that I could've avoided imposing on them.
1) Don't show up unannounced. I know you want to see the baby and to offer your love and congratulations to the new parents. That's great and it means a lot. But there are a LOT of things that new parents have to do in the first 24 hours after having a baby, not the least important of which is to find time to sleep. Mom is in pain, and both parents are feeling exhausted and, frankly, disgusting & dirty. No one wants to be hugged and kissed when you haven't showered in days, feel like you just ran a marathon, and have baby goops leaking out of you. (sorry, that's what's happening under the sheets. Deal with it!)
Plus, a newborn needs to eat once every two hours or so. It takes a while to get the hang of nursing, and initial feedings may take a really long time and be very painful.
Showing up unannounced means that you're either likely to show up when the baby is napping or eating. If napping, mom and dad are most likely trying to sleep too. If eating, mom probably doesn't feel like hosting visitors.
The other problem with showing up unannounced is that you may arrive while other visitors are also in the room, which leads me to...
2) Don't crowd the room. Having a baby is a really overwhelming experience, and having a bunch of people in the room trying to talk to you and look at the baby only adds to the feeling. Somewhat similarly, do not call frequently, or send too many emails or text messages. Most likely, everyone the new mom and dad knows is calling, emailing, and sending text messages. Your messages are all received, but mom and dad simply don't have time to respond to everyone.
3) Don't stay long. Again, mom and dad and baby are now on an exhausting 2-hour schedule. Stopping by means a lot, but patience wears thin quickly when you are in pain and haven't slept in 24 hours.
4) Feel free to bring gifts, but be reasonable. Hospital rooms aren't very big. There's not a lot of room for large flower bouquets and balloons. Hospital rooms are not apartments either -- there isn't a refrigerator or microwave so food is likely to go to waste if it can't be stored at room temperature. Don't bring anything you're not absolutely positive that both parents will enjoy eating.
The best food we were brought was an assortment of fresh fruits. They were healthy, refreshing, and nourishing, and we could snack on them throughout the days we were in the recovery room. The worst food was a big cake. We hadn't had any real meals for a long time, and the last thing we could think about eating was something sweet and covered in icing. Plus, we couldn't store it anywhere since there wasn't any room for it. We had a small bite and the rest went to waste.
Don't feel like you have to bring a gift to the hospital, either. There's nothing wrong with waiting until after the new parents are settled in back at home to bring gifts. Which leads me to...
5) Once mom and dad are at home, offer to do things for them but not to watch the baby. New parents don't really want a break from being with their baby. Even when things are agonizingly difficult after a few weeks, new parents aren't generally willing to trust someone else with watching their newborn. The most useful things you can offer to do for new parents include cleaning their home, doing their laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming, and running to the store. Ask if they have any particular food cravings and bring them those foods.
I guess the best way to summarize everything into a single statement is:
Today is not about you!
It is about the new mom and dad. Everyone wants to be there on Day 1 to show their love and support for the new parents. But the best way to show your love for them is to understand what their needs are. Leave your ego at the door. It doesn't make you the most important friend or family member if you get to the hospital first, or take the most pictures, or stay the longest.
posted by Nik at
8:39 PM
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